To : All Employees
From : Management
Subject : Revised Retirement Policy
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for departmental areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under the plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future plans.
Therefore, a program to phase out personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately. The program will be known as Retire- Aged- Personnel- Early (RAPE).
Employees who are RAPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside our company. Provided that they are being RAPED, they can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This phase of the operation is called Survey-Capabilities-of-Retiring-Early-Workers (SCREW).
All employees who have been RAPED or SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management. This will be called the Study- by- Higher- Authority- Following- Termination (SHAFT). Under the terms of the new policy, employees may be RAPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he or she will be entitled to get Half- Earnings- for- Retiring- Personnel's- Early- Severance (HERPES). As HERPES is considered a benefit plan, any employee who has received HERPES will no longer be RAPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy to ensure that employees are well-trained through our program called Special- High- Intensity- Training (SHIT). The company takes pride in the amount of SHIT our employees receive. We have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in this area. If any employee feels he or she does not receive enough SHIT on the job, see your supervisor immediately. Our supervisors are specially trained to make sure that you receive all the SHIT you can stand.