GOD'S TOTAL QUALITY MANAGEMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

1. How did you find out about God?

__ Newspaper
__ Television
__ Word of mouth
__ Tabloid
__ Bible
__ Torah
__ Koran
__ Other Book
__ Divine Inspiration
__ Near Death Experience
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Other (specify):

2. Which model God did you acquire?

__ Yoweh
__ Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Three-in-one special offer)
__ Jehova
__ Buddah
__ Allah
__ Jesus
__ Satan
__ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

3. Did you experience any problems on initial receipt of your God? Please check all that apply.

__ Damage
__ Missing attributes
__ Fallen halo
__ Calls not returned
__ Contradictory teachings
__ Poor Youth Group
__ Packaging faults
__ Mass suicide clause
__ No, my God arrived undamaged.

4. What factors were relevent in your decision to acquire a god? Please check all that apply.

__ Indoctrinated by parents
__ Indoctrinated by society
__ Imaginary friend grew up
__ Wanted to meet girls/boys
__ Wanted to annoy people
__ Desperate need for certainty
__ Need to feel Morally Superior
__ Needed a reason to live
__ Needed focus in who to despise
__ Hate to think for myself
__ Fear of death
__ Needed a day away from work
__ Like Organ Music
__ The ointment stopped working

5. Have you ever worshipped a God before? Is so, which false god were you fooled by? Please check all that apply.

__ Odin
__ Zeus
__ Apollo
__ Ra
__ The Great Spirit
__ The Sun
__ The Moon
__ The Bomb
__ Cthulhu
__ Money
__ The United States of America
__ Teletubbies
__ Father Christmas
__ Tony Blair
__ Lager
__ Other: (specify)

6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God? Please check all that apply.

__ Tarot
__ Astrology
__ Fortune cookies
__ Psychic Friends Network
__ Palmistry
__ Self-help books
__ Biorhythms
__ Tea Leaves
__ Mantras
__ Crystals
__ Pyramids
__ Wandering around a desert
__ Burning Shrubbery
__ Lottery
__ Television
__ Eileen Drewery
__ Dianetics
__ Playboy and/or Playgirl
__ Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll
__ Tony Blair
__ EST
__ Richard Branson
__ Human Sacrifice
__ Insurance policies
__ Teletubbies
__ None
__ Other: (Specify)

7. Have you experienced any of the following since you received your God? Please check all that apply.

__ Immaculate conception
__ Incresed crop yield
__ Blindness
__ A taste for communion wine
__ Interesting conversation
__ A desire to dress in frocks
__ Boils
__ Hatred for neighbouring populations
__ The Vicar's daughter

8. How do you communicate with your God? Please check all that apply.

__ Visionary dreams
__ Psychoactive drugs
__ Self flagellation
__ Voices in the head
__ Removing Chicken's Heads
__ Holy writings
__ Telephone
__ Internet

9. God employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve the balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer? (select one)

__ More Divine Intervention
__ Less Divine Intervention
__ Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
__ Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

10. God also attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles. Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 his handling of the following (1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):

a. Disasters

Flood                   12345
Famine                  12345
Earthquake              12345
War                     12345
Pestilence              12345
Plague                  12345
SPAM                    12345
Australia               12345
Manchester United       12345
Arsenal winning double  12345
The Internet            12345

b. Miracles

Rescues                            12345
Spontaneous remissions             12345
Stars hovering over towns          12345
Crying statues                     12345
Water changing to wine             12345
Walking on water                   12345
Talking flaming shrubbery          12345
VCRs that set their own clocks     12345
Saddam Hussein still alive         12345
England winning at cricket         12345
Anyone fancying Clinton that much  12345

11. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

12. Enter your name and e-mail address. (Optional)

Thank you for completing this questionnaire. Press the [Submit] button to file your comments and enter our special prize drawing. You can win a free blessing, or a waking vision, or a new path in life!

 


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